Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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