In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
