I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
