Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
