I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
