I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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