she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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