People with herpes should wear stickers.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
