the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
