He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
