my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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