Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
