P.S. I can't hear my feet
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
