We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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