I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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