yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
