when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
