I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
