Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My vagina is officially offended.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
