You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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