tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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