True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
