If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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