Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
