I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
