It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Your cock deserves a montage
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
