just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
