I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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