i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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