I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
