i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
