I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
