Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
