OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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