i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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