I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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