Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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