I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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