you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
