We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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