Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
