I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
