Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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