I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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