shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wish my penis had a tongue
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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