so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
