I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
