I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
