Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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