Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
