so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
