im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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