the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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