1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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