I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This baby is an asshole
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
