6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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